The last time I was feeling this 'funky' was when I eighteen years old, and diagnosed with 'manic depression' also know as 'bi-polar disorder'. Because there was a 'history' of suicide and mental illness in my family, the doctors diagnosed and medicated without asking me a few questions that I think (on hindsight) would have been appropriate. Questions like "are you using any recreational drugs or alcohol?" "What foods are you eating?" "How much soda are you drinking and cigarettes are you smoking?" No one asked me those questions. The answers to those questions, especially to those of you who know how healthy I am now, may shock you! I am now 30, and haven't felt these feelings for almost a decade. It came as a surprise when I was feeling those old demons of self hatred, low self esteem, and apathy begin to rear their ugly heads once again. I thought I had 'beat' this disease....so what is it doing here? What does it have to show me? I am more conscious now, so I am willing to look, listen and learn.
When I was diagnosed with these 'disorders' at the emotionally ripe age of 18 I was certainly involved with many behaviors that were certainly destabilizing emotionally. I weighed 50 pounds more than I do now, worked at Hooters, ate fast food friend chicken multiple times a day, drank six packs of beer and liters of whiskey all by myself....nightly, smoked two packs of Newports a day, drank Mountain Dew by the liter on the regular, used cocaine on the weekends and eventually it didn't matter what day it was. I was a mess. Of course my emotional body was 'manic/depressed'. I was all over the map with food, drugs and poisons. After two years of being on prescription mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, birth control and pain medications and finally hit a wall and realized I needed to change. Being all over the map emotionally and mentally, and half-dead spiritually, was a result of my choices. After some really intense consequences leading to getting run over by car while I was drunk and landing myself in court appointed re-hab....I finally made some different choices. This is when I found massage school and everything was on the up and up from there.
I found a book called "The Natural Medicine Guide to Bi-Polar Disorder" by Stephanie Morhan. I made it my bible for two years and followed her five steps to healing. I quit my medications cold turkey and replaced them with fish oils, B vitamins (ate them like candy all day) coconut oil and avocados, clean water, and LOTS of self-help books. I made it my mission to reverse this 'dis-ease' naturally. And lo and behold, after two years of being very dedicated to my practices and nutritional values I felt like I was well. Truly at peace. Feeling happy and healthy! Vital. Free. Healed.
Fast forward in time through my epic life of travel and glam hoop performance and here I am almost ten years later, experiencing FULL ON what felt like a relapse. I didn't fall back into any of the old patterns of drugs or alcohol abuse, but all of the same horrible feelings were there. So clearly, clearly there. This time, because I did not turn away from my experience, but chose to face it consciously, I was able to truly understand what it's purpose was. I saw this 'depression' as a balance to my 'mania' of travel, and I saw this experience as a teacher.
Instead of drinking booze, I communed with Grandmother Ayahuasca. Instead of smoking cigarettes, I prayed with Grandfather Tobacco. Instead of working at Hooters to get through financial crises, I promoted selling festival tickets and worked on my writing, beginning to create new content for the programs I want to have in place by the end of the year. Instead of eating a bunch of fast food, I fasted. Not starving myself, but taking a few days off of solid food here and there to really feel into the depths of what was happening. So much beauty is in the breakdown. I allowed the breakdown to show me the parts of myself that were lacking discipline, love and feelings of inadequacy. I learned to love those tiny bits that have been hiding in the shadows. Even the brightest of lights hadn't reached all of my tiny parts yet. Finally, the White Light is seeping through the skinniest cracks. Nothing can hide from the Light of Love.
I let the feelings come instead of stuffing them down with mundane pleasures. In the ceremonies I partook in, I cried. I cried for everything. For Cecil. For the Charleston 9. For the ruined rivers. For the grieving mothers. I cried for so many reasons. I let go of so many self imposed expectations. I cried for the generations past and the pain that was yet to come. I cried a river of tears. I prayed my tears would turn into rains. It was downpour, and I became empty.
I was ready for a New Love to fill my cup. I came to Jesus. I prayed to God. I became humble, shaking, in awe of the power of my own mind.
In the middle of this current depression that had been in remission since 2007, I decided to start working out for 15 minutes everyday. That was one commitment I decided I could make. I signed up for fun and free 30 Day Challenge and am now on Day 20. I feel so amazingly good! It's amazing was a few weeks of working out can do for your mental reality. I feel 100% more focused and motivated in every area of my life than I did two weeks ago.
In addition to moving my body, I also took it upon myself to call on my community for guidance. I got hundreds of responses, and felt so loved and appreciated. When I was down, I had friends I could count on! I received an outpouring of support, and my community made it possible for me to muster up my courage and just face it! I sat in a sweat lodge, drank healing smoothies, lemon water and soothing herbal teas, used essential oils, took salt baths, took council with sisters, cried...lots, slept...lots, jumped in super cold spring water, hooped my heart out, hung out in nature, cried a lot more, slept a lot more, questioned my whole reality and at one point....I gave up.
I fully surrendered. I let the current of sadness take me, and it lead to me to such a beautiful place of acceptance! I finally let all of the elements of my life sink in and fall into their place. I saw what within me was changing. I could see the actual transmutation that was taking place, and seeing how I was struggling against the changes. Once I could see this clearly, and see how I felt I should continue, I decided it was a good time to bring in the Kambo Medicine.
I have benefitted from receiving Kambo in the past on a physical level. It helped me to heal some addictions to sweets, coffee and tobacco. This time, my eighth round of the frog's healing venom, was dedicated to healing my mind, and helping me love the parts that felt lost and judged. It worked, and when I say it worked, I mean everything finally fell into place. I felt the peace I needed to see my worth, and continue on my mission! I know I could have eventually gotten here without the Kambo, but these tools are here to help us rapidly transmute and transform. These jungle medicines are here to help humanity evolve quickly.
We must respect these medicines. THEY ARE MEDICINE. Not recreational, hallucinogens for getting high or having a good time. They are for disease reversal and healing. Food, plants and certain animal poisons have healing qualities, but only if we fully respect them and give something back in return. We can't just say "I need that" and take it. We have to develop a relationship with these earthlings.
I sweat my complaints right through my pores through the workouts, sweat lodges, bike rides and hoop sessions. I vomited out my need for control and surrendered back to spirit with my Vine and Frog rituals. I stood my ground in front of the spirits testing me and pulled through the funk with an OPEN and GRATEFUL HEART!
You can do that, too!
I have spent many years filling my toolbox with tools to help myself overcome disease and misfortune, and I love sharing those tools with other people. If you are looking to transform you life, and want to uncover the best tools for you to use, I encourage you to email me and receive a free 30 minute session with me that will open you up to new possibilities and beyond! I love to assist my tribe, especially when my story can relate to your story. We have each other, so never feel alone.
That is what community is for.
The question I was left with was this. "If I am so much healthier now, why did I relapse into depression?" The answer? Cycles. My emotional cycles have ups and down. The stars are in a unique cycle that was causing almost EVERYONE to 'feel the funk'. There is a cycle to the seasons. A cycle to my purpose. A cycle to the sun's flares. A cycle to it all. I decided not to attach a bunch of stories to it, and let it simply be a wave of emotions. No stories. Only self-care and nourishing.
I hope this authentic account helps you to understand that you are not alone in whatever you may experiencing! There are so many people that have reached out to me to simply say "I can relate to how your feeling. I've been feeling the same way". This is not a coincidence. This is synchronicity, and we are all linking up in the unseen realms. There is more than meets the eye to every situation, and sometimes all we can do is trust.
To receive a free 30 minute consultation with me in my budding Illuminated Lifestyle coaching, email me here. I know it can get intense, which is why I want to offer my help.
Until we speak again, blessings, love and gratitude on every level!
~Shellie White Light
PS: If you are in the Austin area, email me if you are interested in receiving Kambo.