How I Consciously Deal with Depression, Anxiety and Mental Instability

As many of you who read my daily posts know I was in a bit of 'funk' for about a month.
The last time I was feeling this 'funky' was when I eighteen years old, and diagnosed with 'manic depression' also know as 'bi-polar disorder'. Because there was a 'history' of suicide and mental illness in my family, the doctors diagnosed and medicated without asking me a few questions that I think (on hindsight) would have been appropriate. Questions like "are you using any recreational drugs or alcohol?" "What foods are you eating?" "How much soda are you drinking and cigarettes are you smoking?" No one asked me those questions. The answers to those questions, especially to those of you who know how healthy I am now, may shock you!  I am now 30, and haven't felt these feelings for almost a decade. It came as a surprise when I was feeling those old demons of self hatred, low self esteem, and apathy begin to rear their ugly heads once again. I thought I had 'beat' this disease....so what is it doing here? What does it have to show me? I am more conscious now, so I am willing to look, listen and learn.

When I was diagnosed with these 'disorders' at the emotionally ripe age of 18 I was certainly involved with many behaviors that were certainly destabilizing emotionally. I weighed 50 pounds more than I do now, worked at Hooters, ate fast food friend chicken multiple times a day, drank six packs of beer and liters of whiskey all by myself....nightly, smoked two packs of Newports a day, drank Mountain Dew by the liter on the regular, used cocaine on the weekends and eventually it didn't matter what day it was. I was a mess. Of course my emotional body was 'manic/depressed'. I was all over the map with food, drugs and poisons. After two years of being on prescription mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, birth control and pain medications and finally hit a wall and realized I needed to change. Being all over the map emotionally and mentally, and half-dead spiritually, was a result of my choices. After some really intense consequences leading to getting run over by car while I was drunk and landing myself in court appointed re-hab....I finally made some different choices. This is when I found massage school and everything was on the up and up from there.

I found a book called "The Natural Medicine Guide to Bi-Polar Disorder" by Stephanie Morhan. I made it my bible for two years and followed her five steps to healing. I quit my medications cold turkey and replaced them with fish oils, B vitamins (ate them like candy all day) coconut oil and avocados, clean water, and LOTS of self-help books. I made it my mission to reverse this 'dis-ease' naturally. And lo and behold, after two years of being very dedicated to my practices and nutritional values I felt like I was well. Truly at peace. Feeling happy and healthy! Vital. Free. Healed. 

Fast forward in time through my epic life of travel and glam hoop performance and here I am almost ten years later, experiencing FULL ON what felt like a relapse. I didn't fall back into any of the old patterns of drugs or alcohol abuse, but all of the same horrible feelings were there. So clearly, clearly there. This time, because I did not turn away from my experience, but chose to face it consciously, I was able to truly understand what it's purpose was. I saw this 'depression' as a balance to my 'mania' of travel, and I saw this experience as a teacher.

Instead of drinking booze, I communed with Grandmother Ayahuasca. Instead of smoking cigarettes, I prayed with Grandfather Tobacco. Instead of working at Hooters to get through financial crises, I promoted selling festival tickets and worked on my writing, beginning to create new content for the programs I want to have in place by the end of the year. Instead of eating a bunch of fast food, I fasted. Not starving myself, but taking a few days off of solid food here and there to really feel into the depths of what was happening. So much beauty is in the breakdown. I allowed the breakdown to show me the parts of myself that were lacking discipline, love and feelings of inadequacy. I learned to love those tiny bits that have been hiding in the shadows. Even the brightest of lights hadn't reached all of my tiny parts yet. Finally, the White Light is seeping through the skinniest cracks. Nothing can hide from the Light of Love.

I let the feelings come instead of stuffing them down with mundane pleasures. In the ceremonies I partook in, I cried. I cried for everything. For Cecil. For the Charleston 9. For the ruined rivers. For the grieving mothers. I cried for so many reasons. I let go of so many self imposed expectations. I cried for the generations past and the pain that was yet to come. I cried a river of tears. I prayed my tears would turn into rains. It was downpour, and I became empty.
I was ready for a New Love to fill my cup. I came to Jesus. I prayed to God. I became humble, shaking, in awe of the power of my own mind.

In the middle of this current depression that had been in remission since 2007, I decided to start working out for 15 minutes everyday. That was one commitment I decided I could make. I signed up for fun and free 30 Day Challenge and am now on Day 20. I feel so amazingly good! It's amazing was a few weeks of working out can do for your mental reality. I feel 100% more focused and motivated in every area of my life than I did two weeks ago.

In addition to moving my body, I also took it upon myself to call on my community for guidance. I got hundreds of responses, and felt so loved and appreciated. When I was down, I had friends I could count on! I received an outpouring of support, and my community made it possible for me to muster up my courage and just face it! I sat in a sweat lodge, drank healing smoothies, lemon water and soothing herbal teas, used essential oils, took salt baths, took council with sisters, cried...lots, slept...lots, jumped in super cold spring water, hooped my heart out, hung out in nature, cried a lot more, slept a lot more, questioned my whole reality and at one point....I gave up.

I fully surrendered. I let the current of sadness take me, and it lead to me to such a beautiful place of acceptance! I finally let all of the elements of my life sink in and fall into their place. I saw what within me was changing. I could see the actual transmutation that was taking place, and seeing how I was struggling against the changes. Once I could see this clearly, and see how I felt I should continue, I decided it was a good time to bring in the Kambo Medicine.

I have benefitted from receiving Kambo in the past on a physical level. It helped me to heal some addictions to sweets, coffee and tobacco. This time, my eighth round of the frog's healing venom, was dedicated to healing my mind, and helping me love the parts that felt lost and judged. It worked, and when I say it worked, I mean everything finally fell into place. I felt the peace I needed to see my worth, and continue on my mission! I know I could have eventually gotten here without the Kambo, but these tools are here to help us rapidly transmute and transform. These jungle medicines are here to help humanity evolve quickly.

We must respect these medicines. THEY ARE MEDICINE. Not recreational, hallucinogens for getting high or having a good time. They are for disease reversal and healing. Food, plants and certain animal poisons have healing qualities, but only if we fully respect them and give something back in return. We can't just say "I need that" and take it. We have to develop a relationship with these earthlings.

I sweat my complaints right through my pores through the workouts, sweat lodges, bike rides and hoop sessions. I vomited out my need for control and surrendered back to spirit with my Vine and Frog rituals. I stood my ground in front of the spirits testing me and pulled through the funk with an OPEN and GRATEFUL HEART!

You can do that, too!
I have spent many years filling my toolbox with tools to help myself overcome disease and misfortune, and I love sharing those tools with other people. If you are looking to transform you life, and want to uncover the best tools for you to use, I encourage you to email me and receive a free 30 minute session with me that will open you up to new possibilities and beyond! I love to assist my tribe, especially when my story can relate to your story. We have each other, so never feel alone.
That is what community is for.

The question I was left with was this. "If I am so much healthier now, why did I relapse into depression?" The answer? Cycles. My emotional cycles have ups and down. The stars are in a unique cycle that was causing almost EVERYONE to 'feel the funk'. There is a cycle to the seasons. A cycle to my purpose. A cycle to the sun's flares. A cycle to it all. I decided not to attach a bunch of stories to it, and let it simply be a wave of emotions. No stories. Only self-care and nourishing.

I hope this authentic account helps you to understand that you are not alone in whatever you may experiencing! There are so many people that have reached out to me to simply say "I can relate to how your feeling. I've been feeling the same way". This is not a coincidence. This is synchronicity, and we are all linking up in the unseen realms. There is more than meets the eye to every situation, and sometimes all we can do is trust. 

To receive a free 30 minute consultation with me in my budding Illuminated Lifestyle coaching, email me here. I know it can get intense, which is why I want to offer my help.

Until we speak again, blessings, love and gratitude on every level!
~Shellie White Light

PS: If you are in the Austin area, email me if you are interested in receiving Kambo. 

Reunited

And it feels SO good! Dang. Me and my babe, Kellen, we were apart for two whole months and celibate with each other for four months (for plant study purposes) up until Thursday April 22. It’s about two weeks later and we’ve emerged from a beautiful cocoon of reconnection, rekindling, and reality bending love making. Wow.

This blog is an experiment for me, as I have never publicly written about my sex life for an audience as ‘intimate’ as Facebook. TodayI am breaking through a major barrier in my writing. I am going to do my best to describe with a certain balance of details and appropriateness....my orgasm.

I know that my mom and dad could read this, so it’s a good thing they know me really well and we have a transparent relationship. We’ve had ‘the talk’. They know I am making big girl decisions safely and using my ‘head and heart’, and they love Kellen :) I am not ashamed if my family reads this blog. This statement. This authentic and vulnerable expression of my words and deepest truths. My orgasm was a communion with God. It’s something to sing about! 

I promise I’ll get to the actual orgasm in the next few paragraphs. What would an orgasm blog be without a little foreplay, anyway? ;) It would be short and sweet and to the point, but this orgasm, and this blog, were a spiraling vortex with infinite directions and inexplicably beautiful scenery along the way. My orgasm was an adventure, and this blog is my way of picking up the cookie crumbs to find my way back a life I knew before this orgasm. But the cookie crumbs aren’t there. There is no ‘way back’. It was a portal....a way in. Here I live, at this new level. In this new and higher dimension of love, not wanting to find my way back, happy for the fire at the belly of the stove and all of the passion and purpose brewing away. 

I do not feel like a lost child. I feel like a found woman. Many of my sister-friends around me are pregnant and having babies. It is so beautiful to watch and witness. Swollen bellies and glowing faces, loving partners and parties with tiny little things. My thirty year old body is like ‘yes! Babies!’ and then my nomadic heart says ‘yes! but later!’ and then my career oriented and adventurous mind says ‘condoms! more condoms!’ Truly, being a ‘woman’ in her power in this moment for me looks like so many beautiful choices! I am happy to have made the choice to write these words for you, as I am preparing the way for something explosive....something that has the power to make babies, but can be used also to create in any realm. The All Powerful and Magical Orgasm!

It takes a lot of dedication to commit your orgasm to a higher cause. If you don’t ‘state’ the cause, it’s all good because obviously the underlying force behind most orgasm is love. There are many different levels of love when it comes to orgasm. It may be for the love of the actual orgasm itself, and not even for the person helping facilitate the orgasm. But for me, I have found that the most powerful, gushing, full body, rolling, long lasting, take your breath away and forget your name for a moment orgasms....comes from being in the presence of love fully with the human you are making love with.  

That’s right. Fully present in Love for a mind-bending, reality expanding, better than any drug life changing orgasmic bliss. FULLY present. Not thinking about someone else, or the clothes in the dryer, or what’s for dinner, how the kids are getting home, what he said to you last week, the weird thing your boss does with his lip, the tv shows you need to catch up on or even the way your body looks......all of these thoughts will put the orgasms in the ‘short and unfulfilling’ category. I found I had orgasms like this with men that I didn’t have any emotional connection with at all in my late teens and early twenties. It wasn’t until a few years and potent realizations around monogamous sexual cultivation with one beautiful human that I realized the depth and profundity potentially present with every opportunity to have an orgasmic, ecstatic union. 

Alright, long awaited and ready to be revealed....just one more detail.

My orgasm asks that you please respect it. If you want to talk about it, or the place where it originates (ah-hem) then please do so with respectful words and thoughts. My orgasm has her own rights, and she tends to be less shy when she feels trusting, safe and open. She wants to fully show up for you! So....Without further ado....

Simultaneously, we climaxed and crescendoed on the same note, during the same symphony, sung by the purest of angels, in the lush gardens of Eden, at a moment in time where every single thing in the world was beautiful, everything electric in my body was sparked and my heart felt like it was a liquid lava field seeping into the cracks of the earth, filling me up completely, merging with him completely, feeling the essence of God completely.....boom. Pure awareness. Ecstatic bliss. Oneness. 

Our bodies intertwined, pulsating in unison, reaching the climactic experience at the same time, in the same breath! Time stood still. I have no idea how long the actual ‘orgasm’ lasted, but riding the wave before and cresting to shore after seemed like an entire lifetime. I so love Kellen. His touch feels like home.

After four months of being celibate due to our extensive plant studies in the Amazon earlier this year, we are finally reunited...with no restrictions on carnal fun ;) Our days have been a haze of delicious reunion here on the luscious island of Mama Maui. 

I feel so trusting in the love that is flowing through me. I’ve been happily writing, and lots of creative yum came through in writing workshops we are co-teaching at upcoming festivals like Bhakti Fest and Celebrate Life Tantra Festival. Kellen and I will teaching couples breath work, serving cacao and tea and enjoying ourselves this summer and upcoming seasons. We are joyful and relaxed in the frequency of reunion.

May you be blessed with compatibility in your relationships and connections. My best friend has just had a baby! I venture into another world now...being a Godmother! I have the honor of helping my friend introduce her first child into this realm! It’s very exciting. Lots of good vibes here in Maui and I’m feeling so much gratitude for my Ohana here on this island. It is magical the way we are all so supported. Aloha Nui Loa!

Days 32 & 33: Tirtagganga ~ The Palace of Holy Waters

Today as I awoke the sky was pink and the earth was misty. There was a fine line between heaven and the ground. Perhaps I have found a place where the two become one. The ocean lies on the horizon, and some mountainous islands sitting as if they were afloat on the majestic sea. The thousands of lotuses open and close, devoted to the low light, and the fragrance of incense and frangipani’s wafts through the air. My ears are not distracted but soothed by the constant sound of the ever flowing spring fed fountains. My eyes relax as I take in the early morning sunlight through the trees, giving thanks for another day in this blessed, beautiful, holy land. I can see dozens of fountains from my pillow in my hand carved wooden bed. I feel the wind and smell the morning mist. I am honored to awake in such beauty; a waking dream. I give thanks.

I have been rising at 5AM so that I don’t miss one single second of this precious light. 

I feel like a Queen. I am actually staying in a villa that was formerly royal headquarters. There was a time when this was truly a palace, now it is mostly a place for tourists to view and local children to swim, but luckily, I have a connection to a friend who owns a beautiful villa on the property. I am using this time and these sacred grounds for creation. I am allowing my waters of creation to flow. Of course, my moon water has also come during this time. By moon water I mean ‘my period’. This is auspicious in my eyes, as a woman’s moon time is her prime peak of creative focus, a time for nesting and being nurtured, and a time to honor the waters of the world. So Here I Am, in the Palace of Holy Waters, being served delicious and nutritious foods, writing, dancing, and feeling right at home as a royal citizen of this precious planet. 

I am only here in Bali for one more week. I am writing this on a Thursday and I leave next Wednesday. I will be back on Maui in 8 days. Wow. It’s kind of crazy and hard to feel into that. I feel like I am just completely arriving, actually. I am just learning my first words of Indonesian and Balinese. It’s peak Durian season! I am just now beginning to know the names of the beautiful faces I have been meeting and seeing over and over again amongst the festivities and social happenings (which are ALL the time in Ubud). I really love it here. I tell the truth when I say I will have a home here some day. One day, hopefully in the near future, I will have a place here in South East Asia to call my own, a place to keep my ‘Bali Wardrobe’ and snorkeling gear, my Asian adornments and Hindu inspired altar pieces. I realize I want homes in many regions of the world; Continental North America, Hawaii, Asia, South America and even though I haven’t been there yet I feel the call to Southern Europe. As a global citizen, I feel blessed to be able to travel the way I have, to stay in places like this beautiful Water Palace, from where I write these words. 

As my skin is softened and browned by the sun during my time here in Bali, the waters have softened and suppled my soul. I feel more radiant and in my female prowess than ever before. Finally, I feel like a woman. I have embraced my power, my beauty and my mission ten fold since setting foot on this lovely land. I am beyond grateful for these people, the culture, the food, the wisdom, the volcano which I have to visit first thing when I return, and especially thankful to my dear sister in creation Jaguar Mary who created Sacred Circularities, the platform that I love so much that brought me all this way. I may have made it some other way at some other time, but I am so glad I was invited to teach hoop dance in Bali! I keep saying it over and over again, but it's real....Dreams Do Come True!

Lunch is now served, so it is time to retire from my keyboard for the day. Until tomorrow, be well and vital in all that you do, and know that time is only a tool to keep us on track in achieving our purposes, passions and positive perceptions. As the time has flown by as swiftly and silently as an owl in the night during my time here, I realize that we are simply spinning, turning, twirling like the tides, neither coming nor going, but moving in the moment, as the moment also moves. It is time. Whatever you desire, now is the time. Follow, reach, grab and go. Don’t cling or hold, just flow with the wave. Wherever it drops you, there you are. Sometimes you get lucky, and the tide drops you in some magical royal quarters at a beautiful Water Palace in rural Bali. Hold the Flame!

Bless You!

May you see magic in every moment,

Shellie White Light

Enjoy the magical pictures!

11 Days of DeLight ~ Part 1

This blog comes in two parts and covers days 20-31. I had the powerful intentions to write one blog a day, but as Week Three of Sacred Circularities began and I decided that my body needed more yoga and less time at the computer, more sleep and less late nights up writing, more hoop and less observation, and then with the epicness of Bali Spirit right after that, my blogging has lagged for the last 11 days. So, this blog is a recap of all of Week Three, and Part Two reveals the magic of Bali Spirit Fest. I write this from the villa that sits on the pristine grounds of The Water Palace on the East side of Bali. I am listening to the fountains and streams serenade me with the subtle sounds of surrender. Water flows. It simply flows with no resistance or argument. That is me in this moment. I ended up here by allowing my path to flow along without any struggle. The past 11 days have been a whirlwind. A tidal wave. Now I have a moment to reflect i the mirror of the lotus pond. Ready for the ride?

Let’s start with the beauty that was the last week of Sacred Circularities Hoop Dance & Movement Meditation Retreat. We savored the last days of SC Bali, and drank up all of the delightful nectar that was dripping from every sacred syllable and sound spoken between us, every sweet glance exchanged, every touch and gesture...each moment precious and irreplaceable. Each day, we gave thanks. Every meal delicious, every sunrise and sunset sacred and soothing. We could feel the time slipping by so fast, and we know that clinging to a moment is not an option. Instead, we soaked it into our very beings. Our DNA is now programmed with the joyous times we all shared here. Joyous times indeed.

The teachers here are some of my best friends. I feel so lucky!

The workshops with Caterina Sutton were amazing and inspiring, as we Metamorphasized as butterflies, explored the floor and some fancy footwork and used “breaks” as a breathing meditation. Gail’ O’Brien’s workshops melted my brain a little as always, as we tossed, twisted, and trained in the technical realms. I am always inspired to practice SO MUCH MORE after hooping with Gail! Babz blasted us with tantalizing tricks and groovy leg work, and left us with some great material to incorporate into our flow for some added funk. Jaguar Mary led us through some amazing meditations, some really sweet partnered exercises, and opened our minds and hearts to the realms of inner beauty. I love it when JM does her thing! It’s always an inspired experience. Francie led some super succulent yoga classes on the mornings I wasn’t teaching breath and I made it to as many as I could. I love the way she facilitates and speaks. Francie is an inspiration to me for sure, as she is living on of my future dreams of holding international retreats and living the healthy life! 

My workshops were some of my favorite to teach out of the three weeks because I was able to share one of the most powerful technologies I have ever experienced: Breath Work. The facilitation of The Breath Empowerment was incredible and very special. People truly have life changing experiences and it is such an honor to hold space and guidance for this transformative 90 minutes. There were at least 35 people there, which may be the largest circle I have held on my own. Everything went perfectly and everyone had a powerful experience; my prayers answered! I have been incorporating more singing into the closing portion of the practice and really enjoy using my voice a shamanic tool. The Breath Empowerment paved the way for participants to fully receive the next two workshops I led, based on the Nine Breath Method, which is just a powerful as the Breath Empowerment but a shorter and more succinct technique. Both of those workshops were incredible; the first one being instructions and practice for the technique, and the second one being a Nine Breath Healing Circle which had a great turnout and potent results. After my circle, I received the message that Christabel Zamour of Hoop Girl & Breath of Bliss wanted me to help assist her Bali Spirit Workshop! What a blessing! Looking forward to that. I LOVE teaching breath work and feel that breath, song and storytelling are certainly in my future career cultivations :) Be on the lookout for recorded audio versions of these powerful practices.

Photo courtesy of www.BBalancedPhotography.com & Sacred Circularities

I also had a beautiful time at Malaika’s 5 Elements Ecstatic Dance.This is my sixth 5 Elements Dance led by Malaika, and every one is unique and different, and as a facilitator I love witnessing her variations and seeing what feels really yummy to incorporate into my own facilitation! It always feels right to sweat and pound the floor with my feet. This is how I truly worship. This is how I expose my soul to my Creator. 

Ah, sweet release! 

Afterward, I felt very honored when she asked me to assist her during her 5 Elements for Bali Spirit Fest. This week is bringing me lots of opportunities to fully participant in the Bali Spirit Festival which I have been asking for. Again, prayers answered. More on the epic surprise I received during that dance in Part Two.... ;)

We also had a lovely excursion to Ganung Kawi, an ancient Buddhist Temple that dates back to the 11th Century. There are massive stone carvings in the side of the cliffs, all built around the royal tombs of the ancient kings and queens. The river and rice fields surrounding the temple helped me to feel at home. There is something about the swaying of the rice in the wind, and the rushing of a river over my feet that assures me of the simple truth that ‘I belong here’. We all do. Everyone deserves this. We are all Royal. The beauty that was once for the rich dead is now for those alive and well, here and now, able to climb the 300 plus steps it takes to get down to this beauty. I do appreciate the intricate carvings and aesthetic pleasure here on this island. The Balinese believe if they make things as beautiful as possible, the gods will stay pleased. It seems to be working.

Another highlight of Week Three was the Tribal Market & Performance Showcase. I was blessed to be the Emcee again, and I seriously love that playful job! It’s an honor to witness the vendors shine in their creative light, introduce the performers and watch them passionately display their talent and art, and have the opportunity to be myself while serving my community. Plus, all of this emcee experience is showing me how much I love being on the mic! Like I said before, I feel a new and expanded career path coming on....

I also managed time for a photo shoot with Bailey Wheeler this week. Here is a sneak peak at some of the lovely images that came from this really amazing experience. I had so much fun and felt so beautiful. We had the blessing of perfect lighting, a lotus flower that fell right into my hands, and a beautiful little spiraled friend that showed up as a sweet surprise in the petals! Thank you, Bailey of B.Balanced Photography for provided not only me, but pretty much every instructor and some lucky and smart participants who booked sessions with you with the most amazing photographs and memories. What a talented young woman with extraordinary gifts. I just loved this co-creation. 

All Photos Courtesy of B.Balanced Photography ~ Bailey Wheeler ~ BBalancedPhotography.com

Finally, after a week of daily dancing, sunshine, temples, talent shows, tribal markets, workshops, epic food, laughter, loving, learning, letting go, taking in, watching, waiting, witnessing, helping, hoping, highs, lows and LOTS of life lessons we came to the humbling and heart centered Closing Circle. As we all shared our stories about the week, and for many of us the past three weeks, tears streamed and smiles beamed. We couldn’t believe it was really over, and were also ready to take our experience with us into our daily realities. I know that I am really looking forward to a daily hoop practice commitment, as well as incorporating all of the aspects of myself that I have discovered along the way. The Closing Circle came to, well, a close...haha, and it was time to say Good Bye to the friends we had made with lots of hugs and sweet words. Truly, it never feels like ‘goodbye’ in this community. I know I will see my spinning brothers and sisters again...it’s only a matter of time and travel. Two things that I feel blessed to be abundant with in this life.

Overall, my three weeks teaching and writing at Sacred Circularities was absolutely one of the most profound and perfect experiences of my entire life. This dream has been three years in the making. I remember when I was in Australia in 2012 during a total solar eclipse that fell four days from my birthday, wishing I could extend my trip in Australia so that I could fly over to Bali for a while, and I have been wanting to teach at the Bali SC for some time now. Here I am in Bali, present for an amazing eclipse three years later. There is magic in the moon. Sedona is also so amazing and teaching there for two years has whet my appetite to deepen my involvement with the SC family, so I feel so blessed to have gone three weeks deep with this tribe! I am so grateful to Jaguar Mary for founding and forging this Sacred Circularities path that affects so many in such a positive way. Thank you, JM, for bringing us all out here together to teach and learn, to touch and grow, to feel and express, to transform and be transformed, to experience and witness, to be in this beauty and feel the depth of the culture. Truly, an ultimate dream come true. I can only imagine what’s next!

As soon as SC was complete, Bali Spirit Festival had already begun and I am diving straight in...read all about this initiation and co-creation in Part Two! I hope you enjoyed taking in these words and images as much as I love delivering them. 

Blessings to you from the clean, clear flowing waters of the Water Palace in Bali!

-Shellie White Light

All Photos Courtesy of Bailey Wheeler ~ B.Balanced Photography ~ www.BBalancedPhotography.com

Day 13: Mother, Water, Life

As I type these words I am a complete puddle; juicy with thanks, saturated with love, and overflowing with awe at the Creation around me. Today was a day filled to the brim with traditional cultural worship, humble learning, activation and contemplation. Thank you for reading and coming with me on this one. May you feel how blessed I feel through these words. 

I awoke early and feeling a bit sore and sleepy from such a full on day yesterday, but was able to work through that due to the excitement of giving a bodywork session first thing and then heading out on my excursion to the temples. The massage went great, and I felt really connected to what her body was saying, and was thankful that she was in such a sweet space to receive it. I love giving bodywork, even at 7AM! We have to fit each other in where we can during these retreats. My people need me, and I am happy to work it in so that everyone wins. And winning, we are!

After that I was picked up by the small group I would be touring around with for the day. Wayan was our driver, and Rhaiti, a Balinese Princess our guide. As we were driving to Basahki, The Mother Temple, we were noticing all of the Ogoh-Ogoh creations everywhere. These Ogoh-Ogoh’s are huge flammable statues made in the image of demons, monsters and evil spirits. They represent lust, greed, and all of the “sins” that humans confront within themselves. The idea is that Friday night, the day before Nyepi, they parade around these Ogoh-Ogoh’s and bang pots and pans and hoot and holler and call attention to all of the demons and spirits, attracting them into the Ogoh-Ogoh’s. The spirits come into these creations because they look like each other. Likenesses. Helps the little demon feel right at home. Once all of this has taken place, they then burn the Ogoh-Ogoh’s in an effigy. Then all goes silent. Nyepi begins. Seeing all of these structures on our way to the temples was fascinating. Each small district raises money and builds one. I am looking forward to seeing how this all plays out.....

The Mother Temple, Besakih, is the Central Temple of Bali. It is considered the most holy, and sits terraced on Mount Agung. Tradition claims that all souls comes from the Mother, and to the Mother Temple they shall return. I wore traditional Balinese dress of a long sleeved cabala, a sarong, and a sash. We entered the temple, and began to make the long descent up the stairs. On the right side the gargoyles were smiling, on the left side the had faces of anguish, the stairway up led right through the center of these stone creatures. Rhaiti said it’s because you have to focus your mind, our minds are always in the middle of happiness and anguish and we have to stay focused on what we are thinking about. Just at that time I saw some little children making offerings to a baby goat. The little children were all laughing and smiling, making the offerings to the goat as a man was tying the goats feet together. Rhaiti looked at us and explained that this was a sacrifice to purify the land. Sacrifice? I asked her if they were going to kill that little goat. Yes, she said. “Like, right now?” I asked. “Yes”, she said again. I decided to go on the other side of the wall to look at some messy offerings on the ground. She said the offerings were purposefully offered messily because ‘that is life’. I heard the goat bleating. No pun intended. It made a few noises that sounded sad to me, and I said a prayer for it’s soul. Being raised Christian and reading about how Jesus encouraged the Jewish people not to sacrifice the paschal lamb anymore created a belief in me that there is no need to sacrifice animals to Spirit. I have no judgement around this little goats life being offered, but it was still hard to witness. 

So up we went. Each level of the Mother Temple represents a chakra. We prayed at the first level. I really appreciate this method of prayer. We had little bowls of flowers in front of us and some incense. The Princess said ‘the incense is the witness, the flower are the beauty’. We lit the incense and before each prayer (there were five) we purified our hands in the incense smoke. With each prayer, except the last one, we held a flower in our hand. When done with the prayers we put the flowers in our hair and behind our ears. The first prayer was for ourselves, one prayer was to the sun god, one prayer to the Creator of All The Universe and I can’t remember what the other two prayers were. For me, each prayer was full of gratitude. After four prayers, the priest came around and slung a bit of water on our head, and then gave us water in our right hands to sip three times, then the fourth handful of water was to cleanse our crowns. Finally, rice is placed on your third eye. Then the fifth prayer. We were kneeling all the while. Your feet are never meant to point towards the temple. We didn’t pray at every level, just the first one. We walked around while Rhaiti explained how the Balinese people pray, and how they are different and similar with the blend of religions (Muslims, Hindu, Christian, etc). It was all very fascinating, and I am honored to have bared witness.

Next we had lunch in the company of a view of the volcano. Rhaiti explained to us that the Balinese believe that three dragons keep the Balinese islands together. Praying to the dragons keeps the volcanos from erupting or earthquakes from shaking the islands apart. It was amazing to see the pathway of the lava flow from the top of the mountain to the village. The black sands leading down the mountain were like scar. A stark reminder against the green jungle that this island is ever changing, and even with all of the prayers to the three dragons, there is still a chance that lava could lap up this lushness in the blink of an eye...

Finally we arrived at the Water Temple. Tampak Siring. We went into the temple portion and were led through the same Five Prayer Practice that we learned in the Mother Temple. The Mother Temple is where the Balinese go to retrieve the souls of those who have passed, and the Water Temple is where they go to Purify and Cleanse their own soul while it’s still in their body. The water comes from a Holy Spring that bubbles up out of the ground and flows into the stone fountains and pools for praying. The spring fed pool was beautiful. Fish and eels freely swimming. Freshwater coral and plants swaying softly. When we went into the Fountains, Rhaiti explained what each one was about and what I  was meant to do. At each fountain we washed our mouths out three times to purify the words we speak, and cleanse our mouths from anything harmful or hurtful we have ever said. Then we wash our face three time, to purify any harmful actions or movements we have ever done. Then you bathe head under the fountains to purify your mind. There was a fountain for each chakra, the two for funerals which we skipped over, one for cleansing bad dreams, one for forgiveness of the father and one for forgiveness of the mother, and then finally one fountain that you actually drank the water three times instead of spitting it out, and that fountain represented being blessed by 99 Priests. There were some other fountains that you could collect water from to bless your home, new job, family, new car, etc. I just stood in front of them and prayed instead of putting my body in them since I didn’t have a little jar for collecting water. Then we got out and dried off and went home. Just like that. I had some profound sensations while in that Holy Water. My prayers were deep, saturating me to the core. I trust Great Spirit heard, felt and saw my intention. I am feeling very grateful that I was able to participate this way, especially in the days leading up to Nyepi.

I got back to Ananda in time to receive another massage, and take a very hot bath. After that I wrote this blog, feeling like a puddle of a watery woman. The water is a theme here. My dreams have all had the reoccurring symbols of tidal waves or rain. The last dream I had about tidal waves I actually leaped into the wave. I feel that this is poignant, as I have taken the leap to live based solely on my creative pool of resources. We are water beings, and being blessed by the water today resonated deeply with my soul and spirit. Tomorrow I teach again, Twinning and Spinning. Then the Ogoh-Ogoh parade, and then the Silence Begins. Until then...may the water within you vibrate at it’s purest cellular structure possible. Aho!

As One,

Shellie White Light 

Day 6: The Temple Within

This morning at breakfast the lotus was closed, quiet and resting. As the sun rose and the people began to bustle, the lotus unfolded, opened, and revealed it’s beauty. This was a foreshadowing of the day that was about to unfold. The Sacred Circularities group is going to pray and cleanse at the Tempak Siring Water Temple. Because I am on my moon cycle, I cannot go. There was a small amount of disappointment, but mostly, relief. I need some self care. Instead of a trip in a van, to practice devotion in the sun in a traditional Balinese Way, I will relax by the pool, receive a massage and go to the Temple next week instead. Today, my body is my temple. The Sacred Waters are within. My rest is my devotion. Tonight is the Tribal Market and Performance Showcase, which I am honored to be Emceeing. I will be like the lotus, quiet and folded, until it is time to shine.

I took my Beloved, Kellen, on a tour around the gardens of Ananda Cottages here in Ubud, Bali via Skype. It was so fun to show him the statues adorned with offerings and the lush jungle, the expansive rice patties and the freshly blooming pink lotus. He was so happy! Just what he needed to feel included on my journey. It’s amazing how we can be thousands of miles and entire oceans and continents apart, yet feel so connected through technology and virtual face time. I loved being able to include him in my morning routine of tea, blogging and walking around these beautiful grounds. It felt like he was right here with me, and on the esoteric level, he is. Love knows no distance, no space, no time. Love just IS. It is always there, present, ready to be expressed in any and every way possible. Love is limitless. I am so grateful to know a love like this :)

Last night walking back from the drum jam, I crossed paths with a snake. It was small, thin and black. It was quite calm, actually. I was more fascinated than startled, and took it as a sign that it was time to shed some skin, shed some layers. Heal my body. This is happening naturally, and I can also assist the process. When a snake sheds it’s skin, it also sheds the skin over its eyes, leaving it blind during the final phases of the process. I feel ready for the shedding, and recognize that we don’t always see with our physical eyes the transformation occurring, but we can feel it, and know for sure that we will be renewed and refreshed on the other side. As my womb is also shedding my most inner layer; my moon blood, I release a water with a creative capacity that could have formed physical life. The Sacred Moon Water holds great life force, and I choose to use it as fuel for this creative writing project, my personal hoop practice, and honoring my body through rest and rejuvenation. There is always much to be discovered beneath the surface of the old, and exploration of the new. I loved myself up today and nurtured my ‘old’ skin that is ready for shedding with some yummy sunshine by the pool, a cooling dip, and a super deep and well deserved massage. I love this body, and vow to treat it as a temple always!

The Performance Showcase and Tribal Market went so well! Oh my goddess, the Performers were incredible. I can’t really put into words the fullness of my heart when watching these beautiful dancers express themselves in such an authentic and unique way. I was genuinely moved by each one. Lex took the stage for the VERY FIRST TIME! And totally rocked it. Luna put so much feeling and release into a tear jerking contortion hoop number. Caterina blew our minds with her debut of a six hoop routine. Tiana gracefully delivered a sweet and savory lyrical piece. The Fire Pixies (Shouniez & Shaheen) brought the delightful element of couple’s acro play into the mix for us all to adore. Each act was just perfect. All 14 of the performers had their own flavor and style, and brought so much joy to the Ubud community. Thank you to everyone who made my job as the emcee last night so wonderful by simply shining! Thanks for your courage and sharing of talents.

After a day of amazing, relaxing beauty and witnessing others shine in their light, I headed to a well known community house for an epic party. I was invited by my friend who I met in Oz but lives here, and once I got there I realized I knew at least ten people! That’s how it goes for me frequently, actually. I meet people all over the world and then meet them again in another amazing corner of the planet! I mingled and danced and chanted mantra, had some coconut cream cake and really enjoyed myself big time. I made new friends and embraced old ones. The connections here are powerful, and the web we are weaving runs deep. Roots deep. I am honored to be connected into this amazing tribe, and trust Great Spirit is weaving some Divine Magic in a very profound way. I can feel that some of the connections I made last night will come full circle soon. A lovely evening!

The whole day was just what I needed. Rest, Water, Sun and Massage for my body temple, emceeing the show for my community temple, and then some awesome dance and music for my Spirit Temple that is not seen, but being built and beautified every day. The Temple Within me is grateful for these offerings and prayers. May you honor your own body as a Sacred Temple for Great Spirit to move through you, as you, for you, with you. Allow it, and watch the miracles manifest before your very eyes!

Until Tomorrow...Shine Sweetly!

Shellie White Light

Day 5: Release

Tiny meltdown on the morning of Day 5. I woke up this morning with a stuffy nose and my moon cycle. I felt tired. I called my man and he was feeling sad we couldn’t talk more often while I am away, as we are apart right now for two whole months. I felt guilty that he wasn’t here with me, while also feeling like I had taken on too much between writing and healing work and all the workshops and such. Overwhelm! I cried. This did not help my stuffy nose...

I realized that today was a day of releasing. Pardon the details here, but I gotta be real.

A day of releasing; releasing feeling good in my body as my nose released snot and my womb released it’s monthly moon, releasing my beloved and our constant communication and releasing the need to feel energetic as I am still slightly jet-lagged. Release. Releasing tears and releasing fears. Even though I am a seasoned traveler, there are moments when I really wish I could just take quantum pause through space and time and just ‘go home’. Home? Another aspect of my life I have had to release. My home is my heart. No address, not yet anyway. 

Sigh. Tiana’s workshop helped tremendously as it was all focused on...guess what? RELEASES! The name of the workshop was literally called ‘Releases’, and focused on taking the hoop off the runways we had identified the day before and allowing it to take flight. We spent the first part of the morning tossing our hoops out of our hands and allowing them land gracefully, and glide down the runway with ease and grace. We also learned the “Infinity Toss” which required much trust and aim in the moment of release. Tossing the hoop from the back to the front, trusting our aim enough to be able to catch it in front, creating a circuit of this momentum was a process that helped me in my internal ‘letting go’. I also let go of the need to ‘get it’ right away. Releasing takes time, in more ways than one. I love how my hoop life always relates to my emotional experience. Thanks to Tiana for delivering your final workshop in a way that related to my soul and my hoop space. 

Babz took the trickery up a notch by helping us take it down a notch, all the way to our knees. Finding Your Inner ‘Kneenja’ was all about becoming badasses while leg hooping. I love to leg hoop! I found lots of satisfaction in helping some newer hoopers around me to achieve leg hooping for the first time. I was also very challenged by many postures Babz had us practice such as hooping with crossed knees, and also leg hooping in my opposite direction. Leg hooping takes hoop dance to a whole new level. It frees the arms and liberates the torso to dance dance dance in some really fun and unique ways. Also, one leg hoop balancing can lead to some striking poses and also some funky one legged expression. Babz always brings the dance element into the concepts of the tricks, and I really appreciate this. It is called Hoop DANCE after all! 

The day was already unfolding much better than the way it started. I felt like my releasing throughout the day had been a relatively graceful process. I was able to sneak in an extra phone call before lunch with my babe, and that really helped us both. He is being so supportive while I am away from him for 8 whole weeks! It’s not easy, but we feel we are growing stronger each day during this time. As we release being in each others presence each day, we are opening individually to receiving amazing gifts from Great Spirit. 

The last workshop of the day was Theta Healing with Jocelyn. A lovely mindfulness meditation helped me to finally free myself from my thoughts, and a sweet conversation about Grace reminded me to open to receive. I realized that the process of releasing can be graceful, or not. Thank God for Amazing Grace! How sweet, sweet SWEET the sound that saves a soul like me on a daily basis. There are so many tiny and not so tiny problems that come up for us, and the way we choose to view them and go through them can be graceful if we allow it. I chose to allow grace today, and the Theta meditation Jocelyn led us through was the perfect piece to complete it. I accepted the downloads from Spirit and let my body rest in it’s Theta Brainwave State. Thank you Jocelyn for taking us into still moment. This stillness allows for wonderful integration of all the joyful noise of this lifestyle we live.

After the workshops were all done I enjoyed an incredible dinner at Alchemy; a salad with all kinds of raw noodles and dressings and kimchee and spicy cashews, with raw onion bread and cashew cheese. YUM! The owner of the place thought we were a bunch of beautiful women and for that reason alone brought us a delicious plate of tapas. Wow, what a treat! Amazing food with amazing women. I love the food here, and of course all of the people too. Deliciousness on every level.

Last but not least of the day was the Drum Circle Jam with Malaika and friends. I love dancing to drum music more than anything. Dancing was the icing on the cake. Full release. Tribal rhythms and foot stomping was all I needed. Watching my sisters spin and flip and drop and glide brought so much joy to my heart. This day ended up being one of the most beautiful yet, and started off with such emotional intensity. There is a lotus in full bloom by the restaurant. At night it closes, in the morning it opens. As times are dark, our hearts close like the petals of the lotus, and as the light shines upon us, the petals open, they release, with ease and grace. Releasing is simply an opening. I am grateful for this time of opening, releasing, and really seeing. 

Shine On,

Shellie White Light